My Second Life Inadequacies are Reflected in Real Life

Vivaldi (moderate)

Much of my childhood was spent with my nose buried in a book – well, a series of books. One of these was a collection of fairy tales. It was a big, thick, heavy volume with (as I remember it) really dark and depressing illustrations.

I was reminded of this yesterday, and one story in particular, as I embarked on a mission. It was called “Seven At One Blow” and written by the light-hearted Brothers Grimm. Our hero, a particularly unpleasant character, achieves fame and fortune by bragging about his strength and killing prowess. Only the reader and protagonist know that those seven unfortunate victims were flies.

Reality has once again highlighted my inadequacies.

Vivaldi (moderate)

My physical world is cursed by completely inappropriate weather. High temperatures and no precipitation is far more suited to areas that aren’t labelled rain forest.  Still, we don’t have it as badly as those enduring Pakistan’s heat waveand most of us locally aren’t suffering like those picking blueberries in full sun for a whopping 40¢/hour.

I’m lucky enough to now have 5 industrial strength fans, access to shade, and lots of cold drinks. I really shouldn’t be able to complain – too loudly.

However, there is one plague which renders me incapable of stoicism. I refer to that pointless resident of the ecosystem – the mosquito.

Vivaldi (moderate)

Those who know me in Second Life are aware that I don’t get involved in anything related to first person shooters or war games or scenarios that involve the possibility of getting dead. I’d like to claim some high minded anti-violence Canadian principles for this, but the truth is that I’m just really bad at it. I stand there like a dork trying to figure out how the hud/attachment/thingie works and get killed – every time.

I didn’t consider this, though, when trying to devise a plan to murder the whiny bits of insect garbage feeding on me. I went out and bought a weapon – it looks like a badminton racket with metal webbing. It’s electrified. I was really good at badminton when I was younger – not the high, gentle lob over the net type badminton, but the overhead-slam-with-a-last-second-twist-of-the-wrist-to-send-the-shuttlecock-screaming-to-the-far-corner ninja version of the game.

I had visions of achieving a terminator level of mosquito destruction. sigh

Sudare Gami-machi (general)

First of all I discovered that you can’t just swing it like a racket through clouds of flying pieces of extreme annoyance. They just disperse. It turns out you have to sneak up on them – seriously, have you ever tried to sneak up on something with wings, zooming through the air?

Sneaking up on them also assumes you can see the tiny buggers. For some reason I find it difficult to track something that small, that fast, and that dull in colour. These eyes are pretty old.

I seem to know they are around when I can hear them – which means they’re 4 inches from my head. I have no death wish remember? Swinging that small electric fence at my face doesn’t seem like a good idea.

Sudare Gami-machi (general)

The good news is that I haven’t assaulted myself or the animals (yet). The better news is that I’ve managed to end the miserable existence of two of the little monsters. One at a time. I had to wait until they were sitting on a wall and distracted by checking their email.

The fly-killer, in the Grimm story I mentioned, bragged about his deeds by carving Seven At One Time onto his belt. It has been suggested that I display the results of my own attempts by leaving the dead bodies stuck to the metal webbing.

I prefer to knock them off. It’s less yucky that way. Besides, in such a target-rich environment, my pitiful number of kills will just make them laugh.

Sudare Gami-machi (general)
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  1. I like to leave the bodies of skeeters and other creepy crawlies laying around as a warning to the others who might think of entering my abode. You know, sort of a, “Death awaits you here” sign. :-D

  2. Thanks for this posting, I had to laugh so much …. I have the same “racket” since 6 or 7 years and I love it. Sometimes, though, it’s too late – a mosquito has bitten me …. BUT: mosquitos are getting very, very slow after they are blood-filled, and I cannot describe the satisfaction to hit those monsters with our “racket”. They’re exploding. It’s a vengeance that can be felt physically. As I just said: I LOVE IT.

  3. we are also experiencing that heat wave!! Your post made me smile! and lovely photos!

  4. Bear Silvershade

     /  July 3, 2015

    Even the Dalai Lama has difficulties with mosquitoes (I don’t think he actually kills the little bugger…)

  5. I think your fans (aka your readers) do not believe you are inadequate in anything Honour! We all love you too much :)

  6. I have a little secret technique for this flying things: i bought a 30.000 watt vacuum cleaner and i do real safari with long tube mounted. The big satisfaction is when someone enough fatty is captured by air stream. You can listen a loud stock that mean he/she is also splatted.

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